Disney Channel Fucking Sucks!

Disney Channel

Oh, how I hate thee.

Hello there, Happy Katana fans. Today, I am going to rant about Disney Channel. Wait, criticizing Disney during Disney Month? What kind of asshole does that? This kind of asshole does that, so get over it, shitheads!

I apologize. That was not necessary whatsoever. So please forgive me and read this article. Please? Thank you, I thought you’d understand.

The worst thing about the current state of Disney Channel is that it actually used to be a great channel. Yeah, I know I sound like yet another nostalgia fag bitching about anything new while praising anything from my childhood or even things from before my time as if they were God’s gift to mankind. Really, I’m not trying to be, and while that would have described me in the past, I try not to be that grumpy old man who, in an elitist manner, dismisses everything modern and looks to the past as if it was a magical time in which nothing even remotely bad even existed. I admit, I’m guilty of romanticizing the past to a degree, but i make it a point not to act like an elitist snob about it. However, in this case, the older version really does outclass the modern version in pretty much every way.

Back in the good old days, Disney Channel had such amazing shows as Recess (possibly the best show ever to air on Disney Channel), American Dragon Jake Long, Even Stevens, Kim Possible, The Proud Family, Doug (yes, I know it was originally a Nickelodeon cartoon), etc. Hell, even the live action shows were gold compared to the shit that pervades in the current day Disney Channel. I mean, they weren’t amazing or anything (except for Even Stevens, that show was fucking awesome), and to be honest, they were the precursors to the fecal matter that makes the toilet known as Disney Channel it’s home. However, shows like Lizzie McGuire, Phil Of The Future, and That’s So Raven are far superior to god awful abortions like Hannah Montana and Dog With A Blog.

How did this downward spiral even start, and why does it continue to further tarnish the legacy of a once great channel? Well for one, it was what I like to call “The First Wave Of Shit.” This, or course, refers to shows like Hannah Montana, The Suite Life Of Zack And Cody, and Wizards Of Waverly Place. Once shows like those came on, it opened the floodgates to other shitty shows. Soon, the channel was populated with this crap. Somehow, these shows got good ratings. How the fuck does that work? Shitty shows like those get good ratings and air for several years, but great shows like Freaks And Geeks and Sym-Bionic Titan get cancelled after only one, single season. To all Atheists out there, this may be all the proof you need to prove that God doesn’t exist.

Of course, you can’t put all the blame on a few shitty shows. No, you have to hold the people involved with the show accountable as well, far more than you do the shows themselves. Especially the writers. I tried watching some of the shit on Disney Channel, but the writing is just so awful. It has the lamest, most generic, and most unfunny jokes, the dialogue just makes me want to punch the characters in the face, and overall, it has absolutely no appeal for older viewers, completely pandering to children. Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But Logan, that’s the point of these shows. They’re meant to appeal to children. Of course you wouldn’t like them.” Now let me tell you why that’s bullshit. Just because a show is aimed towards children doesn’t mean it has to have such god-awful writing or that it needs to pander to kids. Many kids shows, both past and present, have good writing and can appeal to people of all ages. That’s why these shows are so great. If you ask me, shows that pander to kids with shit writing and stupid humor are really insulting their intelligence and pretty much saying “Well, they’re just kids, they’re too dumb to appreciate good writing.” Well, fuck you, asshole! These kids don’t need to be looked down on or have their intelligence insulted with your insipid shows and the vapid characters that populate them. You want to know some GOOD kids shows from the last five years with good writing, engaging plots or humor that appeals to people of all ages, and interesting characters? Here you go (surprise, surprise, most of them are animated): Sym-Bionic Titan (why did you have to cancel this amazing show, Cartoon Network?), Transformers Prime, Regular Show, Adventure Time, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, Chowder, The Marvelous Misadventures Of Flapjack, Avatar The Last Airbender (hey, it ended 5 years ago, so it technically counts), The Legend Of Korra, Yo Gabba Gabba (okay, I know this is technically for little kids, so it doesn’t possess all the qualities that the other shows did, but it’s still surprisingly good for what it is), etc. Hell, believe it or not, Disney Channel even has some good shows currently airing (unsurprisingly, they’re all cartoons), but that’s for the follow-up. So please, don’t lead yourself to believe that all kids shows must have terrible writing or be appealing only to kids.

And now, onto my favorite part of this rant, in which I rip apart the shows themselves. I won’t be doing a full list of the shitty Disney Channel shows since there are too many to even bother with. I’ll just go over some of the “highlights” that this channel has to offer.

Zack and Cody

Well, at least there’s no chance of a sequel…

SLOD

Fuck

The Suite Life Of Zack And Cody/The Suite Life On Deck

I know that a lot of people like to blame Hannah Montana as the one show, more than any other, that started the downward spiral, and relegate Zack And Cody to just one of the many shitty shows on that channel, but in reality, this horrible show was around about a year before Hannah Montana. This is the show that started Disney Channel’s disturbing trend towards shitty shows with unlikable characters and horrible writing. I can’t believe that Dylan and Cole Sprouse played Julian on Big Daddy. I actually liked them in that role. What the fuck happened? And then, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they decide to make a sequel series where they live on a cruise ship instead of a hotel like in the first one. I’ve heard of fixing what isn’t broke, but this is breaking what’s already broke.

What the fuck is up with that H?

What the fuck is up with that H?

Hannah Montana

And now we come to the most notorious of all the Disney Channel shows. Yes, this is the very definition of terrible. If for no other reason, you should hate the show for introducing the world to that talentless cunt, Miley Cyrus, who, by the way, only got famous because of her one hit wonder daddy, Billy Ray. This is the standard by which all awful Disney Channel shows are now compared, and for good reason. The humor is never once funny, the characters are completely unlikable to the point of me wanting to commit murder, and Miley Cyrus fucking sucks. Yeah, we know she acted like a slut at the VMAs. Why the fuck does that shit keep showing up on my Facebook newsfeed? It was funny for about a week, and then got old fast. Oh, and “Wrecking Ball” is one of the absolute worst music videos I’ve ever seen. Here’s a tip for ya: Making love to a sledgehammer isn’t going to make your shitty song any better, honey.

You disappoint me, son. Why can't you be more like you're brother, Harry Potter?

You disappoint me, son. Why can’t you be more like your brother, Harry Potter?

Wizards Of Waverly Place

Why? Why does this show have to be so awful. A show about a family of wizards is an amazing concept that should have stood out among the shit they usually play on this piece of shit channel. But of course, it didn’t happen that way. No, it turned out to be just as shitty as the other Disney Channel shows, and it’s proof that there’s just no justice in the world. Of course, what else can you expect from a channel that fucks up seemingly good concepts (or at least concepts with potential) on a regular basis? I will say one positive thing: Jake T. Austin went on to play Jesus in The Fosters (yes, I like that show, what are you gonna do about it?), and I think he plays that part really well. It’s a shame he got his start on this awful show. Another positive thing is that Selena Gomez was able to come out of the closet and be comfortable with who she was when she was dating Justin Bieber. They were one hot lesbian couple, so it’s a shame they broke up. Other than that, the writing was terrible and it was very disappointing that such a good idea got turned into this.

Get that abomination out of here!

Get that abomination out of here!

Jessie

Oh God, please don’t inflict this torture on me! Take it away, take it away! Why am I reacting so strongly to this show? Well, simply put, this is quite possibly the worst show in the history of the Disney Channel, and perhaps even the worst show of all time. No, I am not exaggerating, either. This show is THAT bad. I know that you’re rolling your eyes and thinking that the show isn’t as bad as I’m making it out to be, but trust me, it is. Unlike the other shows, which occasionally DO have their funny moments, I never once laughed at anything on this show, ever. Not even a tiny chuckle. Hell, not even so much as a grin. The humor is inane and completely unfunny, and the jokes are about as lame kid’s show schlock as you can get. And I have never hated any character in the history of anything as much as I hate the characters on the show. I’m serious, they’re fucking annoying and never say anything funny or entertaining. The only character who’s almost nearly somewhat likable is the damn butler, and even he sucks. Oh, and the theme song is fucking irritating and grating (hey, I rhymed!). Listen for yourself:

Believe me when I say that I would rather have a giraffe cum in my eyes than watch this god awful abortion that dares to call itself a show. Congratulations, Disney, you found a way to make your other shows seem good.

Finally, a show that doesn't make me want to kill myself.

Finally, a show that doesn’t make me want to kill myself.

Good Luck Charlie

Well, to be completely honest, this show really isn’t that bad. I mean, it’s not particularly all that good either, but it’s certainly bearable, and a lot better than most of the crap on this channel. That’s not saying much, mind you. I can actually tolerate the characters, and the jokes are actually funny sometimes. Also, one of the episodes in the upcoming season is going to feature a family with two moms, so I’ll applaud them for having the balls to do something like this on a kid’s show. I mean, it’s not a show that I would call myself a fan of, but it’s not that bad. All in all, this show is pretty okay, which is more than I can say about the other shows I ripped to shreds.

Well, there you have it, guys. I really needed to get this off my chest. It felt good ranting again, especially about a channel I hate (for the most part, as there are actually some good shows on the channel). Now that that’s out of the way, be prepared for some more positive Disney themed articles.

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About Mr. Awesome

Hey everyone, I'm Mr. Awesome.

17 thoughts on “Disney Channel Fucking Sucks!

  1. Aiooda says:

    The now now disney is bad. wizards, hannah, and the suite life weren’t that bad in my opinion. I wasn’t even born yet when all those old shows you said were good were here. So Im guessing 2010 made disney suck, and yes I agree with you Good Luck Charlie isn’t one of the bad shows.

  2. Derrick Tjernlund says:

    Actually, Good Luck Charlie was one of DC’s best shows and one of the very few DC shows that was mutli-generational, rather than the simple minded drivel they broadcast just for toddlers and tweeners. I’ve been watching TV far longer than you have… I grew up to Howdy Doody on a 9-inch round black and white TV. So, I know a bit more about good TV than you do. Some of the crap you refer to as good belongs in the same category as the shit you claim to you hate. The real problem with the DC is that it is NOT run by real TV executives. If those assholes worked for someone like CBS and arbitrarily cut Big Bang Theory off at 100 episodes, the stockholders would have stormed CBS corporate headquarters, drug those fake executives into the street, and hung them…and I don’t mean in effigy, either.

    • I wouldn’t call it one of their best shows. It’s certainly decent though. As for the stuff I like and you don’t. it’s all subjective. Like if someone told me they liked Jessie, it wouldn’t bother me at all. They have a right to their opinion, even if I hate that show with a burning passion (when I called it the worst show of all time, I wasn’t exaggerating). I’m not a huge fan of TBBT (it’s a good show, don’t get me wrong, I just think it’s very overrated), but I agree that Disney Channel is run by people who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.

      If I was in charge of Disney Channel, I would immediately cancel the garbage shows (Jessie, Dog With A Blog, Austin And Ally, etc.), and give the people who make the shows like Phineas And Ferb and Gravity Falls a huge raise for somehow making good shows for a shitty channel, then I would try to find like minded animators. Even if I suck at it, I like to think I’d do a better job than the morons who currently run the channel. About the only good things on Disney Channel anymore are the animated shows and the fact that they sometimes play Disney and Pixar movies.

      Anyways, thank you for commenting. I appreciate the feedback, and I appreciate the insights of the older generation, so thank you again.

      • i love to say just for my self ,matter what i said on line internet ,to much about my problem im so sorry to fan,s just from the disney channel tv show of wizards of waverly place , i just lost my mind to much because , of walt disney is just acting like BIG GOD ON THE INTERNET AND WE HAVE TO BOW TO OUR FEET ON LINE INTERNET ,

  3. Ciara says:

    Where to start?! DC shows are just awful. Phineas and Ferb, is the the only redeeming thing they air but I would gladly sacrifice its for the entire annihilation of the network. And I soooo agree with you that Recess was the best thing the DC created, Spinelli and Gretchen were and still are my role models! But even shows like Lizzie Maguire and That’s so Raven, all the rage when I was 7-13 (I’m 19 now) and then Zack and Cody when I was a young teenager were rubbish. Even as a child I was totally bored, and uninterested in them. You could argue had my circumstances been different (like had I access to DC at home my opinions would be different) but even shows of the same genre on Nickelodeon such as Drake and Josh irritated me. Terrible writing, acting, the total abandonment of portraying a realistic family let alone teenagers and kids and probably the worst commonality of shows like this… the laugh track!!! Oh how that enrages me!!! I think as a kid that’s what really put me off, I take it as “Oh we are so funny! You should laugh along too!”

    I totally agree with you that the writers of these shows are undermining kids intelligence with their writing and patronising jokes, I felt patronised as a kids watching them. You could argue also that maybe I was just the one kid in a million that didn’t fit the profile of generic kid but my best friend (although she did like Drake and Josh) dislikes DC too. Also my younger sisters (ages 10, 11 and 13) dislike DC. Maybe it’s because we are poor and can’t relate to the lavish lifestyles these shows portray, maybe its because in Ireland there is a different tween culture so more kids just don’t relate, maybe its because our parent’s raised us on a healthy diet of the Simpsons, Futurama and other quality programming.

    Credit where it’s due go DC for having lesbians on one of their shows woo hoo! And I think they are cutting links with the boy scouts for their discriminatory practices against gay people so they have soon decency in them. I just think their shows do more bad than good perpetuating the horrid ideal of begin a spoilt annoying brat.

    Would love to hear feedback on my opinions guys! PS great rant!

    • Mr. Awesome says:

      Thanks for commenting!

      I have to admit, Disney Channel isn’t quite as bad as I made it out to be in this article. I still wouldn’t call them great, but most of their animated shows are really good. Phineas And Ferb and Gravity Falls in particular are amazing. The live action shows are still pure shit, and some of their cartoons aren’t that great, either. I will say that they are a million times better than modern day Nickelodeon. But yeah, the channel still has a long way to go before it can truly become a great channel.

      I loved Drake And Josh, so I will have to disagree with you there.

      I agree, it’s great that Disney is so supportive of the LGBT community. I wish other children’s entertainment companies would follow suit.

      Anyways, thank you for commenting and thank you for the kind words! I’m glad you liked this rant, and I hope you like our other stuff, too.

  4. Kay says:

    Thank You for the laughs this article was
    funny because it’s sort of true.

  5. Jackie says:

    disney is a bunch of fuckers why did they cancel american dragon:jake long there could have been a season 3 but disney fucked it all up!!!

  6. Jackie says:

    is there even a possibility to bring it back?

  7. Adeen says:

    I agree with this post except on Good Luck Charlie.

  8. Amy says:

    I didn’t grow up watching Disney really… and I’m glad. You have no idea how perverted my friends’ senses of humour are. I have however surfed the channel a couple times, and I can only watch a select few. Every older one is in the graveyard slot. Good Luck Charlie is okay, and Girl Meets World Lab Rats are the only ones with okay jokes, and even then some of them are bad. And WOWP won a couple Emmy Awards, so it can’t be that bad.
    Kickin It… not funny and kinda boring.
    Hannah Montana… That show haunts me.
    I am so glad I grew up with other channels to watch. Because I can actually see the world for what it really is. And I can see there are many good actors out there. Eat your heart out Disney Channel!

  9. Speedy Van Gofast says:

    I also hate how in 90% of the shows, the main (girl) character has a boyfriend, like in Dog with a Blog (THE WORST ONE) there is an episode where the main character who looks like she’s 11, breaks up with her boyfriend. AAUGHHAJFJAM

  10. Retard Racer says:

    I liek turtlezzz.

  11. The new Disney Channel sucks balls!!!!!! These are all of the bad Disney Channel shows: Good Luck Charlie (I think that show was only popular because it had a baby as the main character. The humor was very dry in that show, but it’s the least bad of all the bad Disney Channel shows. At least it teaches real life lessons unlike the newer shows. I’ll admit, it had some funny moments, but not a lot. Jason Dolley was so much better and funnier as Newt Livingston from Cory in the House.), A.N.T. Farm ( It had few good moments. It also had some funny moments. It did have a few good and interesting episodes. The acting wasn’t totally bad. The writing wasn’t completely bad. It had some good writing. The first few seasons weren’t so bad. The latest seasons sucked. If you compare this show to the even newer Disney Channel shows, then it looks decent.), Shake It Up (Boring and not funny. The only funny moment of that show was when Flynn was walking while wearing those diaper pants in that one episode.), Jessie (Debbie Ryan is so much better than that stupid show. The only funny moment of that show was when Luke was on stage at the fashion show and had his boxers shown and froze of embarrassment.), Dog With a Blog (That show is extremely stupid and god-awful. It’s not funny. It has extremely dry humor. Horrible comedy. Stupid clichéd writing. Shitty music. A stupid cheesy opening. A stupid annoying talking dog named Stan.), Austin & Ally (Only had very few funny Dez moments, but other than that the show is garbage. One episode that was actually surprisingly fun to watch was the T-Fame episode.), Liv & Maddie (Stupid, retarded version of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Liv has a really stupid, irritating voice. The show is not funny. It’s stupid and lame that Dove Cameron plays as both Liv and Maddie. Maddie has a really stupid, annoying, repetitive catchphrase: “Bam! What?!”), I Didn’t Do It (Really terrible show with terrible acting, terrible writing, and terrible humor), K.C. Undercover (Even much worse than Shake It Up. It has stupid action and stupid humor. The main character has a sister who is an android, that’s really stupid and I don’t buy it. The show has horrible writing. The music is shitty.), Girl Meets World (Bad sequel to Boy Meets World. The only two good things about that show is that it teaches real life lessons, and that Ben Savage and Danielle Fishel are reprising their roles as Cory and Topanga Matthews. The only good characters are Cory and Topanga. The rest of the characters are poorly written and dumb, especially Farkle. Farkle is such a stupid character and stupid name. Riley and Lucas have bad chemistry. They both have a dumb sort of on and off again relationship. If they really like each other and have feelings for each other then they should be boyfriend and girlfriend. And when people ship Lucas with another girl then Ryley gets upset. And when another girl hits on Lucas, then Riley gets jealous. But after that it’s over and when Ryley and Lucas are free to date each other, they don’t, they only stay as friends at the end. I don’t see the point of Ryley crushing on Lucas if they only want to remain as just friends and nothing more than that. Very stupid writing. Ben Savage and Danielle Fishel are great actors who deserve so much better than that crappy sequel. ABC Family should have made Girl Meets World instead They are both so much better than that show. They are the only good actors of the cast.), Bunk’d (Dumb spin-off of Jessie with very terrible acting and dry humor), Best Friends Whenever (Don’t even get me started on that show.), and the upcoming Decendants animated show is going to suck so much. Not only are the shows getting worst, so are the Disney Channel movies, like Decendants. The new Disney Channel sucks. The old Disney Channel rocks. These are all of the good Disney Channel shows: Even Stevens (the greatest Disney Channel show of all time. Shia Labeouf is the hilarious comedian of the show. Very good acting and writing. Good opening and theme song), That’s So Raven (Hilarious show. It has a very good opening. The second best Disney Channel show of all time), Phil of the Future (Very good show. Good acting. Great theme song and great opening), Lizzie McGuire (Very enjoyable to watch), Life With Derek (Probably the darkest Disney Channel show ever. It’s a funny and awesome show), Naturally, Sadie (Good show. Very interesting show.), The Jonas Brothers (Good acting and writing), The Suite Life of Zack and Cody (Funny show), Cory in the House (Very underrated show. The most underrated Disney Channel show. It’s hilarious.), The Legend of Tarzan (Awesome show. Canon to the movie. Epic opening. Underrated show.), Kim Possible (Great voice acting and fun to watch), The Proud Family (Great family show with a lot of funny moments), American Dragon: Jake Long (Good show with really good voice acting. Good action and good humor. Great opening and theme song. Well written characters), Lilo & Stitch: The Series, (Fun to watch. Good writing. Canon to the movie.) Brandy and Mr. Whiskers, The Emperor’s New School, Recess, Buzz Light-year of Star Command, House of Mouse, and Dave the Barbarian.

  12. k_a_d_1102 says:

    I hate the Disney Channel. Every single show thy have made makes me want to slam my head in the wall. Disney Channel always makes fun of disabilities and thinks they can get away with it.
    Burn in hell, Disney Channel. Maybe you can entertain someone there.

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