Pokemon Review #24: Arbok


Okay, now we’re talking. Arbok still has a cool name, and they actually added fangs this time around! And he has an actual forked snake tongue this time around intead of the boring old regular tongue Ekans had. You can’t forget about the badass facial marking either. But best of all, he’s a giant purple king cobra, and that’s just fantastic. This guy is a boss, and easily makes up for his underwhelming pre-evolution.

Grade: A+


Pokemon Review #23: Ekans


I’m gonna get the positives out of the way. First, snakes are cool animals. Second, I like his name (spell it backwards). Finally, purple and yellow will always be a great color scheme. It’s just too bad he drops the ball. What kind of retarded snake doesn’t have fangs? And they really could have emphasized the tongue more. Oh well, at least he gets better when he evolves.

Grade: D+

Pokemon Review #22: Fearow


Okay, this one I really like. Fearow is one of the few Pokemon that proves Normal/Flying types can be truly great. Check this: He’s got a totally rad mohawk. How can you not love a bird with a red mohawk? Or a hilariously lanky neck? Or a long ass beak? And would you look at that magnificent wingspan? Honestly, I came into this review expecting to give him a B at best and be done with it, but goddammit if I don’t love this bastard.

Grade: A+

Pokemon Review #20: Raticate


Okay, this is a noticeable step down. After having a cool color in the first form, he’s bafflingly a boring freaking brown. He also lost the curly tail. I guess I like how fat he is, and the fact that he’s standing upright. I also find the comically large teeth amusing. If they just would have kept the sumbitch purple, I would have loved him. As it is, he’s just a boring rat.

Grade: D+

Pokemon Review #18: Pidgeot


Okay, this one I can deal with. He has a sweet long mullet, and the tail is only red now, so he looks slightly different than his predecessors. He also brings back some nostalgia. See, when I was but a kid, I idiotically decided to make Pidgeot the star of my team in Yellow. He actually did really well until the Elite Four. Because he was in the ’60s and the rest of my team was in the ’20s-’40s, I got my shit wrecked. So yeah. We have a passable Normal/Flying this time around.

Grade: C-

Pokemon Review #17: Pidgeotto

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Okay, Pidgeotto is a step up from Pidgey. It’s still not amazing, but certainly not godawful. I mean, he’s got the hair going on, and he looks more threatening than Pidgey. He’s still pretty mediocre though. He’s still a generic Normal/Flying Type, and if you really look at him, he’s just a slightly bigger Pidgey. Below average, but not terrible.

Grade: D+

Pokemon Review #16: Pidgey

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Jesus Christ. What did we do to deserve this? After the glory that was Beedrill, we get our first irredeemable failure in the Pokedex. He’s literally just a bird. A boring ass bird. I could say that it’s cool he produces tornadoes, but a lot of Pokemon can do that, so he gets no points there. Completely generic. And he’s Normal/Flying, which is largely a shitty typing. Do yourself a favor, Pidgey, and fuck off.

Grade: F-

Pokemon Review #15: Beedrill


Oh my god yes! After a line of terrible to merely good bug Pokemon, we come to our first truly great Bug Type. Beedrill is the first in a series of bug Pokemon that showcases why Bug is my favorite type (along with Ghost). First off, bees are hardcore insects. But they didn’t just make a lame ass bumblebee, oh no. They gave him giant freaking stingers for hands. Then there’s his creepy red eyes and humanoid stance. Sure, his stats are shit, but his Mega evolution more than fixes that. Let’s just say if you ran into a swarm of these in real life, you better say your prayers, because you wouldn’t have long to live.

Grade: A+