Pokemon Review #38: Ninetales

250px-038Ninetales

Wow, it’s been way too long. Sorry about that. But at least I have a great Pokemon to come back to. Just like all Gen 1 fire types. And this one is based on the Kitsune, a nine tailed (get it?) fox deity in Japanese mythology.

See, I love when Pokemon makes references to Japanese myths and religions. And this one goes all the way with it, making references to cursing people, understanding human speech, living for a thousand years, and each tail containing mystical powers. Design wise, the white fur and red eyes help give off that mystical vibe, and she simply looks beautiful. All in all, a wonderful Pokemon through and through.

Grade: A+

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Pokemon Review #37: Vulpix

250px-037Vulpix

Aw, look at the cute little fox! So adorable. You know, even Pokemon fans who dislike the early generations will concede that if nothing else, the first generation was great at introducing Fire types to the world, and I have to agree. Sure, some types could have gotten more love early on like Ghost and Dragon, but Gen 1 Fire types will always be amazing. Vulpix is no exception.

I have to say, I love that hair. She’s stylish and she knows it. The six tails are a cool and unique idea, and they’re given a consistency with the hairstyle, which is great. I like how the white underbelly contrasts with the red fur, and how the paws are a darker red than the rest of her body. Oh, and did I mention she’s friggin’ adorable? Eevee is seen as the standard bearer of cute Pokemon, but I feel that Vulpix is every bit as precious.

Grade: A+

Pokemon Review #36: Clefable

250px-036Clefable

Ugh. That’s all I can say. Actually, I’ll say more, because Clefable is an obese piece of shit that deserves to be insulted. An abomination, if you will. Clefable should have been swallowed by her mother when she was still semen. Get the fuck away from me, Clefable. No seriously, get the fuck away from me.

If Clefairy was an average Pokemon, then Clefable is dog shit terrible. It loses everything I liked about Clefairy. Gone is the star shape. Gone is the alien origin story. Now we have this pink bitch with the most down syndrome ass face and pose. Clefable is just a fat piece of shit, and not a cool fat piece of shit like Snorlax or Slaking, but a fat piece of shit that deserves to die of a heart attack brought on by obesity.

Grade: F-

Pokemon Review #35: Clefairy

 

250px-035Clefairy

Did you know that Clefairy was originally supposed to be the mascot of Pokemon? Did you know that I’m glad they went with Pikachu instead, because Pikachu’s actually memorable? Clefairy just doesn’t do much for me. She’s a fat pink thing like Jigglypuff, only with none of Jigglypuff’s charm.

That’s not to say Clefairy is a bad Pokemon. She’s got some good things going for her, and if Jigglypuff didn’t exist, I’d have a higher opinion of her. She’s relatively cute, and I like the star shape. She’s also the first Pokemon to have the cool gimmick of being an alien, something that has been done several time since. And I like when I get a Clefairy from a Pokeball in Smash Bros., as she tends to do a lotta damage.* So while she’s not a great Pokemon, she’s at least decent.

Grade: C

*This review has been sponsored by Flex Seal.

Pokemon Review #34: Nidoking

250px-034Nidoking

Aw yiss! The Big Boi is here to wreak havoc on some poor unsuspecting fools. Just like Nidoqueen, this guy looks like a god damn juggernaut. Unlike Nidoqueen, however, our boy Nidoking looks more than merely imposing or intimidating. He looks downright fearsome. Giant tail, spikes everywhere, sharp teeth, fierce stance, badass plate armor. Yeah, he’s got everything you could want in a Pokemon.

Remember when Lieutenant Surge mentioned that mysterious Polemon war that was never explained in detail? Well, you can bet your ass that at least one side had a few of these dudes fighting on the front lines. I mean, he’s got a huge movepool (Hyper Beam, Earthquake, Thunder, etc.) to destroy shit in a wide variety of fun ways. Furthermore, intimidation is half the battle, and Nidoking strikes fear not only in the hearts of men, but also in the blackened hearts of the most vile demons from the darkest depths of hell. If you manage to cross this fearsome monster, don’t even bother praying, because your pathetic god won’t be able to help you.

Grade: A+

Pokemon Review #33: Nidorino

250px-033Nidorino

This is honestly one of the best middle stage evolutions in the first generation. It takes everything I liked about male Nidoran and makes it better. It’s still got that wondrous purple, but it adds even more spikes, makes the already magnificent ears even greater and more ludicrous, it now has an imposing stance, and it even has the courtesy to get rid of that awkward buck tooth. I could nitpick about the eyes changing from red to brown, but no, I’m not gonna do that. This Poke is a little miniature hardass rhino thing, and what’s not to love about that?

Grade: A+

Pokemon Review #32: Nidoran (M)

250px-032Nidoran

Now this one I actually like quite a bit. In fact, I like the male Nidoran line more than the female Nidoran line altogether. I guess men really are superior to women. He’s got a delightful pinkish purple coloring, spikes galore, those wonderful ears, the red eyes… If they would have just gotten rid of that retarded tooth and made him the generic rodent instead of Rattata, he would have scored higher.

Grade: B+

Pokemon Review #31: Nidoqueen

250px-031Nidoqueen

Okay, Nidoqueen looks like a freaking juggernaut. Look at her size. Look at that massive tail. She looks like she’s gonna do some massive damage, and she has the large movepool to do it too. But I don’t like how they simplified her ears. And did we really need to see Pokeboobs? She’s still good, but a step back from Nidorina.

Grade: B