Pokemon Review #34: Nidoking


Aw yiss! The Big Boi is here to wreak havoc on some poor unsuspecting fools. Just like Nidoqueen, this guy looks like a god damn juggernaut. Unlike Nidoqueen, however, our boy Nidoking looks more than merely imposing or intimidating. He looks downright fearsome. Giant tail, spikes everywhere, sharp teeth, fierce stance, badass plate armor. Yeah, he’s got everything you could want in a Pokemon.

Remember when Lieutenant Surge mentioned that mysterious Polemon war that was never explained in detail? Well, you can bet your ass that at least one side had a few of these dudes fighting on the front lines. I mean, he’s got a huge movepool (Hyper Beam, Earthquake, Thunder, etc.) to destroy shit in a wide variety of fun ways. Furthermore, intimidation is half the battle, and Nidoking strikes fear not only in the hearts of men, but also in the blackened hearts of the most vile demons from the darkest depths of hell. If you manage to cross this fearsome monster, don’t even bother praying, because your pathetic god won’t be able to help you.

Grade: A+


Pokemon Review #33: Nidorino


This is honestly one of the best middle stage evolutions in the first generation. It takes everything I liked about male Nidoran and makes it better. It’s still got that wondrous purple, but it adds even more spikes, makes the already magnificent ears even greater and more ludicrous, it now has an imposing stance, and it even has the courtesy to get rid of that awkward buck tooth. I could nitpick about the eyes changing from red to brown, but no, I’m not gonna do that. This Poke is a little miniature hardass rhino thing, and what’s not to love about that?

Grade: A+

Pokemon Review #32: Nidoran (M)


Now this one I actually like quite a bit. In fact, I like the male Nidoran line more than the female Nidoran line altogether. I guess men really are superior to women. He’s got a delightful pinkish purple coloring, spikes galore, those wonderful ears, the red eyes… If they would have just gotten rid of that retarded tooth and made him the generic rodent instead of Rattata, he would have scored higher.

Grade: B+


Pokemon Review #31: Nidoqueen


Okay, Nidoqueen looks like a freaking juggernaut. Look at her size. Look at that massive tail. She looks like she’s gonna do some massive damage, and she has the large movepool to do it too. But I don’t like how they simplified her ears. And did we really need to see Pokeboobs? She’s still good, but a step back from Nidorina.

Grade: B


Pokemon Review #30: Nidorina


Okay, this one is a lot better. The upright stance is a welcome change. And I’m a sucker for spikes, so more of those will improve my chances of liking a Pokemon. And they even had the decency to keep those ears that I mentioned liking before. Yeah, this is Nidoran (F) done right. Not perfect but still really good.

Grade: A-


Pokemon Review #29: Nidoran (F)


Yeah, the female Nidoran variant isn’t very interesting. Dull shade of baby blue, awkward single buck tooth, and whiskers that idiotically look like they’re actually an extension of her skin. For some reason. Um, the ears look kind of cool I guess. Yeah, not much to say. Just a vanilla rodent.

Grade: D







Pokemon Review #28: Sandslash


Oh hell to the fuck yes! Let me just say that Sandslash is insanely underrated. Not many Pokefans seem to care about him, and that’s a crying shame. This hardass is one of my favorite Gen 1 Pokemon, period. Okay, so he’s like some bastard child of a pangolin and a porcupine. There’s one point in his favor. But not just any porcupine, because that would be stupid. No, this is a porcupine with GIANT SPIKES ON IT’S BACK! Oh yeah, and look at those huge sharp claws. And consider the fact that half of his Pokedex entries mention his spikes and claws growing back after they break. So don’t think that’s going to stop his murderous rage. This thing is a walking machine of death. Basically, Sandslash is here to fuck shit up, and your weak ass ain’t gonna stop him.

Grade: A+


Pokemon Review #27: Sandshrew


Sandshrew is alright. His evolution is where things really get balls to the wall amazing, though. Not that he’s bad. He’s cute and has a nice thick tail, and remember AJ? That one trainer in the anime with the overpowered Sandshrew? That was really cool. Yeah, he’s just a generic armadillo, but he could be worse. I’ll give him an average score and call it a day.

Grade: C


Pokemon Review #26: Raichu


And here we have Pikachu’s less famous older brother. Fortunately though, he’s awesome in his own right. He’s still got the lightning bolt tail, but now it’s a whip, which is great. I like the new curly ears as well, they look really distinctive. And I actually like the shift to an orange, yellow, and brown color scheme. They go well together. He’s actually decent on the battlefield too. Yeah, I love Raichu, even if he’s living in Pikachu’s shadow.

Grade: A+


Pokemon Review #25: Pikachu


Well, we finally get to the big one. The one Pokemon even people who don’t like Pokemon are aware of. He’s easily one of the most iconic characters in all of media, ever. But does he deserve it? You’re goddamn right he does. First of all, that lightning bolt tail is amazing, immediately signifying his status as an Electric type. Then, he’s got those cute rabbit ears and stripes on his back. And those red cheeks are essential to a design that comes together in a big way. He’s just so adorable and memorable in the anime. He’s a tad overrated, but great nonetheless.

Grade: A+